I have some vague background queasiness. Not much at all. Last night I definitely had some yucky queasiness in the evening, but only mild yeurghiness during the day. And today the same really, except the queasiness hasn't been much noticeable until the hour before midnight, and it's so mild. It's definitely morning sickness related, and not any other source of quease (I am very familiar with many other sources, lol!). But soooooo mild.
Until 4 and a half weeks, I felt PROPER morning sick. From the end of the day at 3 weeks and 5 days - well, that was just queasy, but more so than today or yesterday, for example. 3 weeks and 6 days - the real thing, and from then onwards. I definitely did not have a virus, imagine it, or feel ill due to anxiety/stress/wishful thinking, etc. Just saying! ;) This mama 100% knows what morning sickness feels like, whether super mild like today, or totally bleurghy like with Lydia at 7 weeks! ;) There is a specific feeling that isn't like other nausea - the closest thing is motion sickness, but even then there are subtle differences, and I am so familiar now after all these pregnancies. I was really surprised to start it so early, I mean, confused surprised. Lydia was my "early" one at 4 weeks and 3 days. 12DPO though, not on my radar! I know people who have had morning sickness start that early and that is their norm - earlier even. But it's SO not my norm. I only have experience of one girl, so mayyybe... maybe it means a girl? Maybe Lydie's started at the late end of my "girl range", and this is still within normal for me if I'm pregnant with a girl? Who knows. I know it's nowhere near my norm for my boys, and after six of them I am thinking that's safe to say.
I have wondered and wondered though, about twins. I know I've said all this before - I am just rambling with my thoughts tonight, so just bear with me! ;) I have been googling up a STORM (lol!) after the morning sickness was SO much better and remained so, this early on. I know all about how morning sickness can ease up temporarily or even disappear for good, in healthy pregnancies, "unexpectedly early" at 7, 8 or 9 weeks. But this is different, it's SO early and it was only just established, but established properly, with the best part of a week proper nauseated from the moment I woke up to the moment of falling asleep at night. All day. No mistaking it. Super early, but there it was anyway.
All the googling keeps leading me to vanishing twin syndrome, when I am going to forums and things for people's actual experiences. I have no way to know, one way or the other, except in heaven one day. Weird thing: the day after I ovulated, I was up late and randomly browsing YouTube (never do this, lol! In case anyone thinks that's how I spend my evenings! ;) ), and came across a video of someone finding out they were expecting twins at their first ultrasound. I was hooked, and literally spent two hours (should have gone to bed!!!!) watching video after video of all the twin discoveries I could find, followed by all the "telling my dad/grandma/the cousins (etc.) it's twins" videos, followed by all the twin gender reveal videos, and I would have gone through as many twin arrivals/births as I could have but I was almost falling over with tiredness, lol! The next two nights, I continued watching twinny videos, until I was re-watching the ones I had already seen. I showed a couple to Neil, my favourites that were funny or unique. I remember commenting to my friend at 4DPO that I had been particularly obsessed with twins for the last few days, for no particular reason.
When I went for my scan on Thursday last week, I knew I was only 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant, and that it was possible I wouldn't see anything at all with it being too early, but I really thought I WOULD. I thought I would be lucky and see the gestational sac, and I totally felt this calm assurance inside that they would tell me there were two. I sat in the waiting room imagining it, and thinking how my heart wouldn't skip a beat if they did say that, because it felt like, "Of course there are two!" But, we saw nothing, and there's only one corpus luteal cyst (which I think means I only ovulated one egg), so there would only be a chance of identical twins from that. I know my age means I have a higher chance now, of having identical twins (not releasing two eggs, as far as I can find out), but that doesn't mean that's what has happened THIS time. Anyway. The only time I think I ever felt like that at a scan was with Elijah's at 6 weeks, when they DID say, "I don't want to freak you out.... but I think there might be two...." For a second I waited for the tight throat and adrenaline and "I can't believe it!" to wash over me as I lay there, but it didn't, and I realised that it was because somewhere inside I was totally expecting it. I hadn't given it much thought or anything (if any?!) but it was just an "Oh yes..." feeling. So this time felt the same. Another thing that makes me wonder.
People online talking about early morning sickness, or bad morning sickness unlike their other pregnancies, which disappeared or eased right off, noted that they had already seen two gestational sacs before their symptoms changed, and at the next scan, only saw one baby - or one baby and the other sac unchanged. Most of them had bleeding with or without some cramping, and were told it was vanishing twin syndrome. So of course I can't say that's me, because I haven't visualised any little sacs or people inside them, and maybe I won't get to... If I had two little ones starting out, and my symptoms changed before we could even visualise them, I will never see evidence of a second one, because that one would have stopped growing and developing before being big enough to be seen. I hope I have one healthy baby in there still, though!
I have been nervous with this bleeding because everyone (the doctor at the hospital, and websites about "normal bleeding in early pregnancy") keeps saying that it's all fine so long as there's no clots or cramping. Now, I know that cramping can be normal for me with *normal* bleeding in early pregnancy - like my uterus just gets irritated with the bleeding and becomes crampy (sometimes REALLY crampy) without it being anything to do with miscarriage. But clots I'm not used to, as far as I can remember, and I have had some tiny clots on and off through the entire time of this bleeding. I have had a few days in the last week where there were no clots of any size, but then a day with a few, a couple of days ago. Yesterday, my bleeding seemed slightly less, maybe. And mostly brown!!! What a change from mostly red! :) Everything on my pad was brownish, and no more dropping blood into the toilet, these past 3 or so days, which is a big relief (I hated that!). When I wipe it's reddish though. Today, I would say I'm between light bleeding and spotting - no heavier than that. And it's brown! :) A couple of times when I wiped it was reddish-brown, but I think there's a definite gradual change, and I'm relieved to see it. I know from experience that I can start up a new bleed at any second, so I'm just happy that it's like this for as long as it keeps on settling down.
Today I said to Neil that I have reached 5 weeks pregnant, and he said, "Are you sure it hasn't come out already?" I love him, and he didn't mean anything by it, but that felt (WAS!) cold and insensitive ("it"?!?!), and just made me feel sad. Also, surely he knows my bleeding by now, after all this experience, and knows that I would know the difference between a "bleed" and a miscarriage?! I kind of hoped he'd rejoice with me that I had reached 5 weeks, but he came back with a negative. If I miscarry, he will know about it. I will likely bleed very heavily for days, cramp up like nothing else, and need to rest a LOT. I feel very alone today. In terms of my pregnancy. Like nobody is with me in it, just me alone. Nobody is connected, interested, invested, or willing to share my ups and downs each day with this unknown, in-the-balance, symptom-filled experience of a new life inside me. I was kind of hoping my husband would, so I am feeling pfththth about that right at this moment.
Another great sign today is that I am super super SUPER irritable, fault-finding, and emotionally set-on-edge, lol! At the drop of a hat, I am like, "WHY WOULD YOU *SAY* SUCH A THING TO ME?!!! *sniffle*" Neil has been uncharacteristically moody and cheer-less today though - maybe he is unconsciously being sympathetic?! ;)
Something that really encouraged me today, was that we went out to a country park for a walk this afternoon. I felt more tired than usual today, from getting up this morning, but once we were walking at the park, I was having to just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other some of the way! I was too out of breath to talk sometimes, just walking along trying to keep up with the boys! I sat down on the wall or on benches as often as I could, because my legs felt tired, or just to catch my breath. I am definitely not that unfit, but breathless exhaustion like that is absolutely classic for me at this stage of pregnancy. It's due to blood volume increasing by 50% (!!!) over these couple of weeks that I'm starting now - it happens quite early on, and is fairly exhausting - breathlessness is really common apparently. I have always had it, but it's good to know why, and that it's normal! :) So it is a GREAT sign that I had issues with that today! :D
Still breaking out a bit with spots on my face (nice). I had a moment of frustration (I know that must shock and amaze you all after my account of my state of mind today, lol!) this afternoon and cut 7 inches off my hair! It was straggly and unhealthy-looking, being long and thin and split-ended. So off it came! :) I cut it to resting-on-shoulders length, and it's still thin as anything but at least it looks stronger for it (hopefully!) and thus maybe healthier.
No particular foody things to report except that I have a crazily sweet tooth at the moment. I have not got much interest in protein still, but I am not having aversions to anything at all right now. If I have lost a twin and still have a healthy baby, it may well be a boy after all, if my morning sickness doesn't start properly again until later this week (appropriate timing to fit with all the other boys' morning sickness starting). Although Lydia's wasn't all that bad until the end of 5 weeks when it went up a few gears overnight, lol! Same time as the boys' morning sickness started, and then it was worse than theirs had been, but not by LOADS. I still am forever grateful to have evaded actually vomiting.
So we shall see. Right now I am feeling cautiously optimistic, and hopeful that I might see at least a gestational sac at the scan on Thursday (3 days to go!). I have had some pains and twinges fairly ongoingly in mostly my right side, which has worried me at times, because sometimes they have been quite searing. But I attacked that fear by laying on my back and then pressing gently but firmly down into the area that hurt, which didn't hurt at all! So I am guessing it's okay, and not likely to be ectopic, because if there was a baby growing in a tube at 5 weeks, it should hurt quite a lot to press down and increased pressure in that area, even if it wasn't directly on it. I am thinking (hoping) that the pains are growing-uterus related.
Being 5 weeks pregnant, it is time to start a belly gallery for this little one! I felt unsure about doing that before having confirmation that everything is okay, at first. But then I thought, if I were to miscarry tomorrow, I would be so blessed by having a photo where I could always say that I was carrying this special gift of a baby, at the time it was taken. I would treasure it. So, I have taken one. It's blurry and grainy, and at 5 weeks, there's nothing much out of the ordinary about my profile, but I'm glad and happy and excited to have taken it, whatever happens! :) I don't think I will make a belly gallery page just yet though. I will post it here for now:
I will update again soon! :)