So today I am 4 days past ovulation! I got my ovulation confirmed by my chart yesterday, and my temps are pretty good so far. Last cycle, my temp plopped WAY down at 5DPO and I got my period that day, so we'll see.
I honestly feel like there's almost NO chance that my luteal phase could possibly support a pregnancy at this stage (given last cycle), so I am just going to experience and ride out what goes on. What is currently going on, is that (yes, I know I'm only 4DPO) I have some of my usual very early pregnancy symptoms, and I'm just waiting to see how long I can go before it ends. I wish it wouldn't, but I'm sure it will. It's not as downcast as I make it sound. I would LOVE to be pregnant and for everything to go well, but I feel like it can't, yet, and so I'm okay with that, I think. I am excited to have a few DAYS even, with the beginnings of a life inside me, even if it ends too quickly for there to ever be proof. I have learned to cherish every day with my children. And each day is a precious gift!
I so wanted to update tonight, despite feeling TOO tired to do it really. That's one of the things - last night I was CRUSHINGLY exhausted. I felt sick and dizzy with exhaustion and everything seemed to look more white than it should (don't know if that makes sense, but anyway!). It felt like the kind of exhaustion the night before I get my period (hormonal, for sure), but I do get that kind of exhaustion in early pregnancy too. I went to bed really early last night, for me anyway, and had kind of a rotten night's sleep with various children waking (I was awake for a solid 2 hours between 3 and 5am, and then again for a bit from 5.45am!), but I slept in a bit this morning. I have had waves of faint-tiredness here and there today. Tonight I feel exactly as exhausted as last night, and it's only 10pm (I usually am wide awake, even if I'm tired - it's not this kind of tired at ALL - until at least midnight). I think I will have to call it a night as soon as I've done this entry.
I am hungrier than usual today, and today and yesterday was painfully hungry upon waking. I went for a wee in the night last night - way too early to be pregnancy-related I think, but worth noting all the same because the last time I had to wee in the night was when I was last pregnant! I NEVER get up for a wee in the night outside of pregnancy, or at least, I could probably count the occasions on one hand over the years, if I took that much notice, that is! ;) I can chug two tall glasses of water before bed, and still make it through to morning before going to the toilet, normally!
Only a couple of other subtle things to note so far. Yesterday at only 3DPO, I had a sudden craving for Dominos pizza, and those fizzy Refresher sweets. I totally had to have them, one after the other. Neil was making toast, and I went in the kitchen and said, "You know what I feel like? Pizza, and then Refreshers!" His head whipped up from looking down to spread the toast, and he gave me a very sharp look, lol! He has been the husband of a pregnant wife 7 times, so it amused me (and encouraged me!) to see his instant reaction! ;)
I have "that feeling" in the pit of my abdomen. I only started it this morning, but it has been there all day and is still there now. I can't really describe it, which is a bit useless of me, but I'm noting it anyway. It's a sort of warm and heavy sensation, really deep inside, and just... I don't know, it has a sort of "something is going on" feeling with it. Sounds daft, unless you know what I'm talking about (and I have a dear friend who gets the same feeling this early in her pregnancies, so at least I know I'm not alone!).
This afternoon I have been distracted several times by a bruisey pressurey type of pain under/just above my pubic bone on my right side. Not pinching or cramping (though I checked the box on my chart for "one-sided pinching pain" because it's one-sided and painful, and worth charting) just a sort of pressing discomfort - I have felt that before and put it down to implantation in past pregnancies (along with other symptoms and signs which ended up confirming that implantation did take place then) - both healthy ones and chemical pregnancies, though I don't always get the same sensation as this. Of note, anyway. When we were putting the little ones to bed tonight, and I'd finished nursing Lydia on our bed, I got up to let Neil take over cuddling her while I went to Elijah, and had a sudden pain in the same place, but it was proper painful. Neil said, "What's wrong?!", as I was holding it and couldn't straighten up. I said, "I don't know... ligament pain, maybe?" and he gave me that same look, lol! But I am not sure about it being ligament pain. It was the same location and intensity of pain, but it wasn't quite as sharp. It had more of a cramp-like quality. Otherwise very ligament pain-like though - it faded off in about the same time as ligament pains usually do, so I don't know. I NEVER have ligament pain outside of pregnancy (or newly postpartum) and it does start very early, but I am not sure if I've noticed it THIS early before, so hmmm... I think I've noticed it from 7DPO before. I can't remember now.
Right before I started writing this, Lydia woke and I went to feed her to resettle her, and I noticed while I lay feeding her, that the hot ball of "something going on" in the pit of my abdomen was giving me crampy backache, and quite a periody crampy feeling in the front as well. After 10 minutes it was worse - it came from nowhere! My lower back was burning up, radiating so much heat - like it was the only warm part of me! So weird. I still have a hot crampy lower back - it feels very periody, and I am crampy both sides low in my abdomen now with it, but not quite like a period. I would normally chart this as "bad cramps", so we shall see tomorrow if I get a temperature drop and my period. I actually don't get bad cramps in my luteal phase unless I'm pregnant though, so even if I do get my period it would be odd. I will have to obsess over my past charts to see if I've charted bad cramps as early as 4DPO before - I think I might have. My memory is rubbish these days!
I'm sure there were a couple of other little thing to note, but I just can't remember them now, my head is too tired. I most definitely feel pregnant, so far. If I were to make it to 7DPO without a temp drop, I would start testing absolutely right away, lol! I don't care if it's too early! :P It feels like ages since I've been pregnant - by far the longest gap since I started having babies, and I've been through the emotions and anxiety wondering if that's IT, if I'll never ovulate again, or conceive again, or be pregnant again, have another baby again, etc. I'm so much more excited and feel so much more thankful and privileged than ever before, thinking of the possibility that I might be so blessed as to experience it another time! :)
Right now, I don't care about what people think. This is for me. On this isolated day, 4 days after ovulating, I feel pretty much 100% sure that I am 4 days past conception, and that the implantation process must be starting (4DPO has been implantation day for me several times before - it's always between 4 and 7 days, with all my pregnancies, chemical or not). I am going to bed rejoicing in the blessing of a new life beginning inside of me tonight, a tiny new person making those first connections, without concerning myself with thinking ahead, even as far as tomorrow. It won't make me sad if it ends (disclaimer: it *might*, but that's not a reason NOT to think joyfully about it now), and even a day or four days, or five, is worth celebrating and cherishing, so that's my plan, until... whenever.
I will update tomorrow. :)