So my temps have taken their time to slowly come down, but now they have been down in my normal "I'm not pregnant, and haven't just ovulated either" range for 3 or 4 days. My bleeding behaved like a period in how long it lasted, whereas the time I bled with Elijah, it was the ongoing-ness of the bleeding which made me wonder what was up. It dragged on as brown spotting for ages and ages, which isn't normal for me with my periods. So this one has been normal-ish. It was heavier and "brighter" than I am used to, and for a few days of it, I still had pregnancy symptoms. I tested positive again (the top test of 5 from last entry's photo of the bunch of 5 tests) 3 days into the bleeding. It was weird. I was definitely pregnant. Maybe this time, it started out like an implantation bleed, but actually went wrong instead and the whole pregnancy ended? Or maybe, whether or not I was going to have implantation bleeding, I didn't have the necessary hormone levels to sustain it, and so it was going to end anyway. I have finished bleeding now at any rate - I had some red/pink spotting yesterday (after nothing at all for the previous 36 hours) which was a bit odd, but otherwise it seems that I am on a new cycle (currently CD8).
I kept my chart until today, with the bleeding marked on as "spotting" because then it would all stay as one chart, so I could see the pattern of my temps and so on. I have changed it today and I really don't like what the software has done, because now I can't see that beautiful rise and fall of temps over that journey. It cuts off at the end of a "cycle" (and that feels cold - it was more than a "cycle" to me) with my temps still high and a positive pregnancy test still to be recorded, which now looks odd and out of place in the first couple of days of a new cycle chart (with the high temps looking weird as well!). Also, as I was changing the data re. the bleeding, the software kept being confused over my ovulation date, and changing my ovulation to 2 days before (when it originally said I ovulated) and then back to the current date (2 days after the parsnips), and back again. Now that it's all entered in properly, it says 2 days after the parsnips again. I am not sure that's when I ovulated, but oh well. Also it gives me a 6 day luteal phase, and that is disappointing to me. I feel like I definitely made it to 8 days past ovulation with all those pregnancy symptoms and a positive test at 9DPO (which I recorded), but now that's supposed to be 7DPO - that doesn't make sense to me! Anyway. In the end I have decided to "disregard" the drop in temp on CD33, because it was an odd temp for me to get after having a spike up into my usual "post ovulatory" temp range, and if that's taken out of the picture, the software finally decides to revert my ovulation date back to CD31 instead of CD33. That gives me an 8 day luteal phase and feels more consistent with my pregnancy symptoms, and ovulation symptoms. Doesn't explain the EWCM the day after ovulating, but oh well. I think I would prefer to leave it on that day, but I won't necessarily expect longer than an 8 day luteal phase next cycle, just in case it was really just a 6 day luteal phase...
The day after I updated here last, my temp actually went UP a little, and I was so confused about it! I was on my 4th day of bleeding, and hadn't really had much in the way of cramping at all. I took another test and it didn't really do much to help, because I still had that "is it/isn't it a line?" thing going on, and it was no stronger than before. It may have been a little fainter, so I didn't bother photographing it, and called it a negative test on my chart. I was still having the odd twingey/crampy pain that day as well, but not so much of it. This also didn't make sense to me - either they're to do with implantation, or they're not! If it was a period, then why were they even there at all? I was also still irritable, less tolerant of the children's noise than usual, and had increased sense of smell, increased appetite, and I was weeing more often, for sure (not drinking more than usual). I was also that hormonal kind of exhausted, which never happens after my period has started. I was reeeally confused that day, lol! Also I just wanted my temps to come down properly by that point. I figured either they needed to anyway, because I was not pregnant any more, or even worse, I was still pregnant but my temps were being persistently low, and that is never good, so I was beginning to get worried about that. The one thing I noted on my chart that had changed that day, is that I no longer felt like my skin was "weirdly soft". :(
The next day I felt relieved to have a lower temperature, and although I was still having some increased appetite and pregnant-tiredness, the symptoms I'd been having were gradually dropping off or else fading somewhat, and I felt pretty confident that things were settling down.
I also felt SO sad. And so silly for feeling that way, and even angry at myself for feeling that way. So I didn't update, because I didn't want to, I guess. I figured people would see my chart, or put 2-and-2 together, and I would update when I felt like it, but I kept not feeling like it, so...
I was so grateful for 8 days with that little one, and grateful for a positive test or two to give me visible evidence that it was true. My little one never got as far as even developing a heart, let alone having a heartbeat, and was just a tiny bundle of cells, but the communication is what got me. The way the line can show up on a test - a little message in chemical form saying, "I'm here!" And the way I felt so many obvious symptoms that told me my body knew someone was getting started in there. I liked that connection, however early it was, and even though it was just for DAYS, not even weeks. But I felt like, God opens and closes my womb. I trust God. I'm happy - privileged - to have carried the beginnings of a new person for 8 days! I have hope that I will see that little person in heaven one day! These are all good, happy things, and not really any reason for regrets. Then I was buttering toast in the kitchen and Neil asked me if I was okay (about the fact that my temps were coming down along with the bleeding), and I suddenly wasn't. Suddenly I felt like there was a joyful, budding little life which was - for all I know - perfectly healthy and able to develop into a healthy full-term baby and live a long and happy life, but I got in the way. Instead of miscarrying because the baby died due to something being wrong, it felt like there was nothing wrong, and if only I could have "helped" my little one take root and grow, there's no reason why he/she couldn't have been a normal baby through a normal pregnancy. I guess I took my eyes off trusting God about it for a bit, because then I was SO SAD. Surprisingly sad, and I felt silly and annoyed with myself, with all that I profess to believe, and with the fact that it was so very early. And I've been there and done that before.
Well, that's it really. I feel much much more at peace now, and glad to trust God over it. I feel so elated that I was able to conceive - only a couple of months ago I was wondering if I would ever ovulate again, never mind conceive! :) I'm so hopeful now that I may yet have another baby, and maybe even sooner than I had thought possible?! Neil seems at ease about the idea, and I'm now constantly mistaking my number of children - counting up seven and thinking, "Who is missing?!" before I realise that I do only have seven children! ;) I remember this from all the other times, starting with just Arthur and Matthew (thinking the littlest was missing and remembering we only had two, lol!). That's when I knew we'd have another on the way soon. :) I hope so!
I have EWCM today, which I am going to say is probably a fluke, because it's CRAZY early even before I had children, to be getting ready to ovulate like a week after my cycle started! I am SURE I will be waiting another 2 or 3 weeks - last cycle I ovulated on CD31 (or even CD33 if the chart is right, but I don't really feel that it is...), and that was earlier than I expected even! I've ovulated much later than that in my cycle between babies before, so... It does tend to get earlier each cycle by a little bit, but I'm not necessarily expecting to ovulate before CD28 or so. I'm just glad I DO ovulate! I am still so excited! :D I will keep you posted with any news, but this end of my cycle is pretty boring for the blog I'm afraid! ;) You can always check my chart if you're twiddling your thumbs with nothing better to do - I update that usually every few days and enter several days of temps at once, if I forget to do it daily. I'm much better about doing it daily if I'm watching for signs of pregnancy! ;)
Oh I hope I get to experience it all again! I have an "I'm going to be a big sister" top on my watch list at eBay in Lydia's size (and the next size up!), and I do so want to get to use it one day! :)