I am dizzy and headachy with exhaustion tonight and it's already nearly midnight, but there is NO other time to write for long enough to make a blog post with everything I need to update about! So I have to push into sleep time to do it. I know I will want these posts to look back on in any case, so it IS worthwhile. Just a way of explaining why on earth I haven't been here in so very long! First I will copy and paste the little I'd written for the 30 week post:
"Such a long time since I updated - so sorry! I just can't seem to make time for updates, as they take a block of my time and I don't have any spare blocks of time! :/ I will try this entry in bits and pieces and hope I remember to return to it to continue instead of leaving it as a draft until next year, lol!
Thanks so much for the comments on my last entry, and for chasing me up to see where I am! :) Jane, I would be happy to help if I can re. the little one on the autistic spectrum - can you email me (I think you can click a link on my profile)? I will try to reply as soon as I can.
So I have shifted gear from the 20s to the 30s ALREADY!!! I am 30 weeks pregnant, three-quarters of the way through my pregnancy, and therefore less than 10 weeks from my due date! I can't belieeeeeve how fast it is suddenly going, though I expected it, because I knew from previous pregnancies how fast it goes as we get nearer to the end. I know the next 10 weeks will flash by, getting faster and faster, and there is SO MUCH TO DO in that time, I can't tell you!! It's a bit unnerving actually, but exciting too.
Lydia turned 2 last week! She really did! I have never had a two-year-old without also having a younger one. It also means it'll be ages before I have a one-year-old again, now that Lydie isn't one any more. Usually it's only a few months before the next little one turns one. Things feel quite different this time around, with a bigger gap than I've ever had between babies! Lydia is very "grown up" in her ways (this could be read as "bossy", "assertive", etc. lol! but she's very sweet with it!). Her speech is more advanced than any of her brothers at her 2nd birthday, which helps. She can tell tales on her brothers in sentences (sigh!), explain why she is saying no to something, tell me what she wants to do and what she needs to do it, etc. It's so lovely for her to be able to communicate so much at this age. Now that I've seen it, I can only imagine how frustrated my boys must have been (especially those who only had a bunch of single words at their second birthdays!), having all these same things in their heads to say and yet no method of communicating them. She isn't having tantrums like they were, though she can definitely throw a strop if she needs to! So I'm wondering if that was what the tantrums were about? SO different having a girl, and it turns out to be true about girls and language skills, although the other side of the coin (boys being quicker at motor skills) is 100% untrue in Lydia's case. She is advanced on motor skills as well - walked earlier than the boys, threads laces and cuts well with scissors, and has somehow taught herself to hold a pencil in a perfect writing grip, to draw! She's SO girly, sings all the time, has a very definite opinion on clothes (hers and mine!), and still has sweet high pitched little giggles that none of the boys have done, when she's being cheeky with her daddy, or being tickled. :) We all love her SO, and we're so happy to have a little girl in our family! I am absolutely pinching myself at the moment that I get to have TWO girls! I mean, one is just the most amazing gift and blessing, but TWO?!! I can't get over it. Amazing God."
That is all I managed to write, and then my time was up, and though I kept meaning to find time to continue, it never happened. So that's not a method I will try again - adding to a post bit by bit to get it done. I will try to say as much as I possibly can as quickly as I can right now, lol!
So I am 32 weeks pregnant! How surreal is that! I feel like just yesterday it was completely surreal that I was entering my 3rd trimester. I know my due date will be upon me LIKE THAT. And I'm not ready, and so it's starting to stress me a little!
We have so much to get ready, and honestly I cannot fathom how we can get it all done - but it MUST be done!
* Samuel (nearly 5), Elijah (3.5) and Lydia (2) sleep in the big master bedroom with us. The boys have a shorty "bunk" which is really a cabin bed with a mattress on the floor underneath for the "bottom bunk". We keep our little ones close at night while they are still waking and needing us, and the older four boys rarely wake, but come to us if they need anything. Samuel wakes most nights just from a bad dream or needing a drink, or cold and tangled in his covers, etc. Some nights he's restless and wakes more often. He is starting to get up and get the drink from the shelf himself now, without disturbing us, and he can also put his covers back on himself some of the time. Elijah wakes sometimes, and cries like a little one until someone comes. They are almost ready to be in their own room now, and I would not have been comfortable about it any sooner, honestly. I think they will be able to learn to come to us if they need us, or hopefully we'll hear 'Lijah cry and get up and go to him if needed, if they are in their own room. Anyway, they NEED to move out of our room in time for the baby to arrive! Our smallest bedroom (we have 4 now) has been a "junk" room since we moved here, because we had a ton of boxes and stuff to sort that we never had time to do, and that particular room was used as an office by the previous owners, and that was the only room in the house that they smoked in, ugh. It was not awful, but you can still smell the yucky smell if the door has been closed for a while, so I want to strip it of EVERYTHING - wallpaper, carpet, lightshade, blind - that was left by the last people, and rip out the fitted wardrobe which is just taking up space (and harbouring the smell), and re-decorate it completely. We have been here 14 months now and STILL haven't found time to get it done, but our time is officially up so we have to get it done somehow. The little boys need it for their bedroom. I am panicking about how on earth we can do it. We can't afford decorators, Neil has zero time off work between now and Christmas (I will be 38.5 weeks at Christmas and it DEFINITELY has to be done well before then!), and we are up to our ears in parenting small children for every waking second that he's home! :/ We are slowwwly getting the junk and boxes shifted over many weekends, but there aren't enough left now!
* Lydia has always slept by my side in the double mattress on the floor. Neil is next to our bed in another double bed (proper frame, not on the floor), but mine is the "nursing bed". :) Safer for her so she hasn't got anywhere to fall out of. So she has never slept apart from me, and she is still nursing on demand day and night. She wakes at night maybe once or twice, though if she's unwell or having a bad night, she might wake several times and be very clingy and whimpery. She doesn't like Neil to lie with her instead of me, like when I'm unwell and can't be next to her because I'm pacing around nauseated downstairs (it turns out that I'm having fairly frequent attacks of IBS or something, but with SO MUCH NAUSEA, urgh. I was sure it was a tummy bug the first time, but it's recurring and seems very IBS-like, so probably not. :/ ). She just cries and stays awake until I'm there! Which is also a nerve-wracking thought when I think of how soon the new baby will arrive.
* For the first time we plan to have Lydia stay in the room with us, the same room as the new baby. The only time we ever did this was with Arthur, when Nathan was born. Matthew and I went into a different room and left Neil co-sleeping with Arthur, when Matthew was born. I meant to move Arthur in with Matthew in time for Nathan's arrival, but of course he came at 35 weeks (PLEASE NO, BABY!) and Arthur was still where he was! He stayed a few weeks and was disturbed at first by Nathan's wakings, and then got more used to it and slept through most of them. I was glad to have a space for just the baby and me though, and after that we had "the boys' room" at our old house, and every time a new baby was nearly due, we moved the previous baby out of my bed and into the boys' room with his older brothers. Because they were so little when moving in (less than 18 months old), Neil slept on the floor in their room so he could attend to their wakings, which they continued to do frequently until they were between 2 and 3. Neil actually got better sleep that way anyway, because I was up a LOT with a tiny baby. Soooo, this time, we're in a new home. We have no "boys' room" for the littlest to move into, and we don't want to go back to Neil moving onto some child's bedroom floor to attend to wakings! BUT we don't feel right making such a huge transition for Lydie. Away from my side, night weaned, and out of our room completely, very obviously "replaced" by a new little person! Nope. So the only option we can think of is that the boys move out, and she gets a fancy new toddler bed to entice her to sleep where their bed was, in our room. I need to night-wean her the moment we get her in there, and hopefully she will adjust to the disturbances of the baby waking at night for nappy changes and milk, etc. If it doesn't work, I guess we will have to think of an alternative, after the baby is here and we've tried it for a while. The alternative would have to be me and the tiny one moving out of the bedroom, I think, but I am not sure where we would go as all the bedrooms are full! :/
* Before that, we have to redecorate our bedroom! The blinds that were fitted when we moved in have pulled the plaster off the wall and fallen down, exposing brickwork! So they are "pinned" up and taken down every day which is a huge pain, and we need those areas replastering. NO IDEA what we are going to do! Plastering isn't something you can just hop up and decide to do, and we can't afford to get someone in to do it! :( We have wallpaper here (I hate wallpaper with small children!) and the little ones have peeled it in places so it looks awful! I plan to give birth in that room (unless it's night time of course, and then I guess I'll be downstairs?! I hope it's day time. I would MUCH rather give birth in my cosy familiar bed...), and therefore midwives and various others will attend me in there, so it CANNOT look like that still when my due date rolls around.
* Then there's the various things I have not even turned my mind to yet, like writing a birth plan (new midwives here, new hospital, so much that I'm not familiar with!), packing a hospital bag, planning what to do if I end up transferring to hospital for any reason, etc.
* Big spanner in the works right now: My dear and lovely doula, who we haven't seen in over a year (well, briefly for an afternoon at their wedding anniversary renewal of vows in September), is suffering terribly from depression and is completely debilitated by it at the moment. She wrote last week to tell me she's SO sorry but right now she cannot doula for me, she is just not able. :( I feel for her so badly. I have been there with debilitating depression, and know how awful it is. Also I just love her so much and wish her better! MUCH less importantly, but still valid, I am not sure what to do about not having someone to count on when I have my baby! :( Of course I wrote back telling her not to worry about a THING from my point of view, that I would be absolutely fine if I needed to do it without her, and she must not feel guilty. But I am starting to get anxious! Neil can't be there for me, at home or in hospital, even in an emergency, because he's needed for the children day and night. My parents can't (and probably won't) come all the way from France. They were my support plan for my 3rd baby, but they were in France when he arrived early and so we realised that it really wouldn't work. My labours are quick. And I don't like to have it hanging over me that my desperately needed support very likely won't make it to me in time - it's a stress leading up to the birth, and I don't want that. Heather lives an hour or so away by car, which is already a new thing to work with, but she was planning to come and stay with us for a few days leading up to my likely time of labour, and then stay afterwards for a few days as well. Now she won't be able to be here for me at all, and I feel rather lost and scared wondering what will happen.
* Soooo, I need prayer! Please pray that Heather will respond well to the new treatment she's started for her depression, and feel so much better in the coming couple of months that she will be able to come and be here after all. I don't want to be selfish about it - her wellbeing is more important! But I so hope she'll be okay, and I won't have to be alone... Also, please pray that I will have a perfectly healthy, safe, straightforward homebirth. I would hate to transfer to hospital ANYWAY, even with Heather by my side. It upsets me hugely to leave my "nest" and my little ones when I'm in labour. But I can't fathom doing it without someone by my side to support me, help me breathe and pray for me when I am having a panic attack (which, likely, if I go into hospital, especially given that to do that I would have to be having some sort of worrying complication in the first place), and hold my hand if I cry. Neil absolutely can't. There's nobody we can leave the children with, and it would be for too long to have someone at our house who they are not completely used to (for overnight, or bedtime routine, etc.) - they just wouldn't cope with not having a parent at home, especially the Asperger's ones, and the tiny ones. :( Also please pray that the timing of the labour and birth would be perfect - not just at home and uncomplicated, but at a time of day or night that means I am able to get on with it feeling supported and surrounded, even if I don't have a doula with me. Right now I am thinking it would have to be day time. Night time means that Neil would be on hand for me more, but he isn't the best birth support person, I feel awkward saying it, but it's true! :/ He doesn't know what to say or do, isn't tuned into me to know when I need comfort, or calming, or just a hand to hold, and comes over faint even before the birthy part arrives, lol! He hasn't been there for the last 3 babies at all, and just nipped in for Benjamin's (4 babies ago) to see him born as I really wanted him to. So it isn't as straightforward as all that to just hope for night time and having Neil with me - he isn't as comforting to me as even a midwife, let alone a doula, and I would constantly be distracted being concerned that he was feeling faint or funny. *sigh*
I currently feel like day time labour and birth would suit me best. I get anxious easily at night, even in the evening like with Lydia's labour, I was strangely anxious and uneasy with the time of day - even in my familiar room that I always gave birth in (don't have that any more!), and Heather by my side. I just put it down to it being a different time of day, one that I am most prone to anxiety in. Day time would mean I would feel more in control, more surrounded by normal life around the house, and people coming and going - not hushed and "strange" like night time. I would feel comforted that Neil was looking after the little ones having their normal day, and I could hopefully tune in to my midwife (who I may not even have met, as I only have one named midwife that I see every time - nice idea but not that useful when she only works 3 days a week and therefore isn't likely to be on hand for my birth!) as my source of support.
Urrrrghhhh. The whole thing is making me anxious. I just hope it all goes smoothly, and I somehow manage the difficult parts of labour where I typically panic and need MAJOR support (transition and actual birthing), without anyone to give me that support. Even with a good "chin up!" attitude to it, I realistically know that I won't cope well in those moments without a doula or similar support. Heather doesn't charge us any more - she doesn't take doula clients any longer, and only comes to us because we are close friends and she wouldn't miss it for the world! :) I'm so blessed to have her! We can't afford to just get another doula. We couldn't afford Heather if she was still charging us either.
Changing the subject! :/
* We finally decided on the baby's name! Neil wasn't sure about it STILL, but he gave in in the end because he had no ideas - he liked Sophie and Amy, but I really didn't like Amy and Sophie just didn't feel "right" for this baby somehow. I kept coming back to how the boys have wanted a sister called Rosie. Time is just passing and we were getting nowhere, and I started to fall in love with Rosalie again (which I previously loved but then became unsure - this baby has been the hardest to name by far, lol!). Neil said he wasn't sure if he'd ever like it (!!) even after saying it was really nice just a few weeks earlier!! It's hard to work with him on names! ;) Then this week he said he had sat in the car and tried it out, as though calling her or telling her off, lol! And he likes it well enough. So that we don't change our minds again (I REALLY don't want to anyway, I love it!), we officially told the children yesterday after cutting Arthur's birthday cake (he's ELEVEN!!!! *gasp*).
Our baby's name is Rosalie Averil. :) She will likely be called Rosie by her brothers (they are just SO pleased!!), but I also want to call her Rosalie, and Rose. I am really happy with her name, it's girly and pretty and versatile enough to change about if I want to. We haven't used the letter R before, so it works well! Lydie pronounces it, "Rosie-Rosie" :) I LOVE having a name to use now, as I coo over her and talk to her when she pushes her feet about in my side! :)
PLEASE DO NOT mention her name at all if you know me on Facebook! I desperately want to keep it a surprise for the birth announcement! Sometimes friends have slipped up in the past, so I'm just asking again, please try not to let it slip! Thank you! :)
So, Rosalie (yay!) is very active and busy in there. She gets hiccups several times a day, and is now very vigorous with her feet, always pushing them out of my bump on my upper right side. She is always head down with her back always on my left side. Occasionally she swings round to my right side, but never stays there long. :) A couple of weeks ago, we discovered that she's exactly the same size (to the cm!) as the baby dolly that Lydia got for her birthday from her Grandma (the one named Averil!). We even measured the doll's head circumference and found it was the same measurement as a baby in the womb at 30 weeks! So we had a good life-size reference, and I curled it up and placed it over Rosalie's position on my tummy. It was really eye-opening to see, and I think the children really "got it" when they saw that example! The doll's bottom was in the same exact place as the solid bump they could feel right underneath inside my tummy, and the doll's feet were an inch from where they could actively feel our baby's feet kicking at their hands! They got to see that her head must be way down in my hips. It was really great to have that visual! :)
I am tired and generally feeling more yucky this pregnancy. Not terrible (except when these rounds of horrible nausea and bowel issues kick in), but worse than I'm used to at this stage of my pregnancies. I didn't feel so good with Lydia either, and some of my friends have said that they felt worse throughout the pregnancy with their GIRLS, than their boys. So maybe that's all it is? I wondered if it's just that I'm getting older. Maybe...
I had a midwife appointment at 28 weeks, unwell at the time because I'd been up ALL night trying not to be sick (happened to have a bout of whatever this IBS-type issue is, which has recurred several times since). She did my routine bloods and I asked her specifically if she would test not only my haemoglobin, but also my ferritin (iron stores). I felt that with allllll that bleeding I did early on, I may well be low on iron. Sure enough, my haemoglobin came back okay, but my ferritin was low. I have been taking Floradix iron supplements since then, though not always consistently if I am feeling sick. She wants to re-test at 34 weeks to see if it is coming back up, as low ferritin might not be a good idea at the time of birth. :/ I hope it's coming up.
My midwife phoned me yesterday and asked to pop in and see me that afternoon, but it was Arthur's birthday so she is coming tomorrow instead. I am slightly unnerved, because she was really clear that there are no appointments until 34 weeks, as a routine. I wonder why she is coming?
Okay it's so late and my head really hurts. I was up most of the night 2 nights ago decorating Arthur's birthday cake, and then I had another late night last night, so I was DESPERATE for an early night tonight, but alas! :/ Nearly 1am now. I will try to go to bed with the children tomorrow, and hope I manage through the day - they have swimming lessons tomorrow which will be a challenge!
I remembered I never posted the last 2 belly pictures I took (25 weeks and the special one I always take at 28 weeks with the children around me), so I am going to finish with those tonight. I randomly grabbed the camera and used the timer to take a quick one for 32 weeks tonight too, so yay, at least I've covered a few weeks now! :) It's so easy to forget to take belly pictures! Here they are (I think photobucket has made my photos poor and grainy looking for some reason, which it didn't used to do!):
25 weeks:
28 weeks, with all my lovely treasures! :)
32 weeks:
Random thing I almost forgot! - I now weigh exactly 11 stone, so I have gained 35lbs (I think?? I can't remember if I was 8st 5lbs or 8st 7lbs at the start!) so far. My weight gain is odd (to me!) - I didn't gain a thing for several weeks, not one pound, and then in one week I gained 6lbs and felt dreadful the following week - exhausted and achy with my leg muscles in particular trying to catch up with their extra load, lol! I wish I could remember how many weeks I was when that happened... I think it must have been before 28 weeks because I remember mentioning it to the midwife and she just nodded and said weight gain can happen like that - so long as it slows down again, it's fine. And I *think* it had JUST happened, so maybe 27 weeks was when I gained 6lbs? Anyway, for 3 weeks following, I gained NOTHING, no lbs at all! Again! I was bracing myself for another 6lbs after those 3 weeks, lol! But, I have gained just 2lbs since, and have held steady with no weight gain for most of this past week. Interesting!
I will TRY, I really will, to update again! I am just so pushed for time. I forgot to say that never mind all the baby prep listed above, Samuel's birthday is less than 6 weeks away, with Christmas 4 days after! And I need to have everything ready for Nathan's birthday by then too (Jan 12th) because I know I won't have time to focus on it once it's baby time, and it will be a stress hanging over me if it's not all nicely ready and packed away before Rosalie is born. :/ Please do pray for me, getting everything done, and not going insane stressing over things! Thank you! :)