The very next evening, I was reclining on the sofa when I suddenly froze because there was a "sensation" about an inch above my pubic bone. It was like the slightest touch with the tip of my little finger, laid there for a second and then gone, on the inside. I KNEW what it was, and didn't dare breathe, waiting as still as I could to feel it again. Nothing more, except a slight "flumple" sensation, like a bubble of movement somewhere inside, not against my skin. But yay! Movements! 9 weeks and 6 days - I'm sure I've felt movements that early before. :)
I hit 10 weeks pregnant yesterday! Such a happy milestone! :) Quarter of the way through my pregnancy, double figures, only 2 weeks to go until the end of my first trimester, etc. I was eagerly awaiting 10 weeks because I knew that would be around the time I might feel the first movements, and sure enough, I felt that tiny light pokey touch again twice yesterday! :) Definitely the first tiny stirrings that I'm able to feel, of my little one inside me. So precious! I'm so excited to feel more movements and bigger ones too.
I've been so exhausted these past few days, and nothing is really helping - sleep, etc. I am trying to keep my fluids up better in case it's dehydration making me feel worse, but it doesn't seem to be helping. I think maybe the baby has just been having a growth spurt or something? I also got a headache the night before last that wouldn't go, and I went to bed because usually sleep helps, especially if it was due to tiredness. But I woke with it several times during the night, and it was still banging away in the morning so I took painkillers then. It eased up a bit, but was there all yesterday, and is hanging around a bit today. I just feel BONE tired! My skin feels too heavy, and my limbs are too. I feel out of breath just being up and about, not worryingly breathless, but just tired, like the air isn't very oxygen rich or something! I do remember parts of previous pregnancies being like this, especially in the first trimester - I was actually thinking how this is the first really bad tired patch, which I think isn't my norm by now.
Today began the same - tired out and dragging myself through the motions of getting the boys to do chores, changing nappies and dressing little ones, making lunch, etc. I had an AWESOME sandwich today, lol! I boiled an egg and sliced it, and made a sandwich with mayo, ham, the sliced egg, shredded lettuce, sliced cherry vine tomatoes and cucumber. Oh my goodness!!!! I did not feel a bit sick while eating that, but it kicked back in shortly after. :) Anyway, I make and eat my own lunch before making the children's, much like in a plane where you are supposed to put your own oxygen mask on before attending to your children's, in case of emergency - if I don't eat first, I can't make it through preparing their lunch and they eat late. If I eat first, my nausea lifts enough for me to face getting their lunch made quick, and I have better energy for it too. By the time I had made theirs, though, I was DONE IN. I put it out on the table and said I had to lie down on the sofa for 5 minutes while they ate. My eyes were stinging tired, and I just wanted to flomp my weight down and breathe deep and steady for just 5 minutes, because I thought it would be rejuvenating. Hopefully. Did they give me 5 minutes?! Nope. Not even 60 seconds - I was interrupted 20 times at least by bickering, questions, tale telling, requests for this, that or the other to eat/drink, spills, etc. Aaaargh! I was so thoroughly frustrated at the end of my effort to rest for 5 minutes. Lydia woke up from her nap and that was it.
After lunch and after-lunch chores (clear table, wipe bathroom sinks and pick up rubbish from bathroom floors, laundry (didn't happen), and clearing the surface of the shelving unit in the living room), they went out in the garden to play, and I put my feet up on the sofa and rested, glancing at them out of the window now and then, breastfeeding or reading to Lydia as she pottered around me, and checking emails and stuff. I had been talking to the boys about the baby's development and they wanted to know how a bunch of cells turned into a baby-looking-thing (!), like the exact process, so I went online looking for Lennart Nilsson's photos (hope I spelled his name right!). I have a book of his which is AMAZING, documenting the process, but who knows where on earth it is - it was put in the loft at our old house eventually, to minimise clutter, and the loft boxes have just been stuffed in the garage "for now" at our new house, so I have no idea where it is right now. :( Anyway, I got side-tracked and ended up watching a video of twins being born, lol! ;) While I was watching it, I became aware of feeling a bit leaky, and since it was only a bit, I put it down to CM, since I have had more of that lately.
Then the phone rang, and I got up to answer it, only to have a HUGE let down of fluid in my underwear, so I ignored the phone and ran to the toilet. I knew exactly what it was - I always just know, and it never takes me by surprise any more.
Heavy red bleeding. It had already gone through my clothes, and when I sat down, it ran continually into the toilet like I was going for a wee. I sat and tried to remain calm and just wait for it to ease off a bit, but it didn't. After a moment I realised I was also in pain, a sharp constant pain in the centre, above my pubic bone. I also began to feel pressure in my rectum like a hard ball was pressing against it from the inside, and the two sensations together started to worry me because they reminded me of labour. Thankfully because the phone had been ringing when I got up, I had grabbed it and still had it in my hand when I got to the loo, so I sat there bleeding into the toilet, and called Neil at work to tell him that I was sitting on the toilet bleeding! He had about 20 minutes left of his work day (he works flexi-hours so he starts really early and finishes earlier than most), so he just left right away to get home. the commute is two hours though, so I knew I would have to wait a while, and I wasn't sure what the deal would be in two more hours.
I got up off the toilet and put a pad on (thankfully I had some from when I was bleeding earlier in the pregnancy, though nothing as heavy as this!), and came downstairs to try to figure out what to do. I could feel heavy bleeding all the way downstairs, and hoped the pad would last me until I had sorted something out before I had to return to the loo. Arthur was on the laptop researching war history by then, and the others were in and out playing in the garden or the living room. Lydia was trailing after me. When I got to the living room, Nathan and Matthew happened to be there, and Arthur on the laptop, so I suddenly decided I needed to let them know what was going on - they are 10, almost 9 (on Sunday!!), and 7.5, and I knew they were mature enough to talk with about it. I needed them to be aware so they could help me, and so they would understand what events might happen for the rest of the day. So I told them I have a problem - I am bleeding heavily and also have pain in my tummy, and this is not a good sign. They know I have had bleeding before, and they know what it can mean. I told them that the baby might die, but also that I had the same bleeding even worse with Nathan and look how he is doing?! :) I told them I needed their help to watch Lydia and lift her down if she climbed onto furniture (Arthur does this regularly, very safely, already), because I should not lift anything, and should rest as much as possible. I told them Daddy was coming home, and that I would need to go to the hospital after that to check on the baby. I told them I would be going to the toilet a lot and that I needed their help watching Lydie while I went. They were very good about it, and took it in seriously.
Then I found Heather's number (my doula), and once I'd found it, I had no choice but to get back to the toilet, because I was worried I would be soaking through my clothes. The bleeding was continuous, I could feel it constantly. I went back and sat again, changed the pad which was soaked through, and the blood ran into the toilet water again. The cramping was getting sharper and more intense, and I was getting worried. I had only just heard the heartbeat and felt movement a day or two before, so I didn't think it was likely that the baby had died and my body had ALREADY got the message and started to miscarry. But I was worried that my womb had gone on "empty" mode and could clear out my alive baby, if it didn't calm down soon. I phoned Heather from the toilet, and she was very concerned. She has personal experience of miscarriage with haemorrhage, and shock as a result, so she wanted me to go to hospital as immediately as possible. She asked if I knew anyone I could call, locally, and we only know Nicola (we really should have made some friends by now, oh dear! I'm sooooooo painfully introverted, which is not helpful!). I knew Nicola would have been busy with bringing her eldest home from school and she has two littler boys as well. I felt like I couldn't possibly call her and ask her to come, it was way out of my comfort zone! But Heather insisted I call her, even if she couldn't come in the end, and then call her back (she always makes me promise to call her back, aaarrgh! Then I HAVE to follow through with what she's asked me to do! :P ). So I called Nicola, and she promptly put her boys in the car and drove 20 minutes to our house! What a wonderful friend! :)
Heather said I needed to get a taxi to the hospital when Nicola arrived, but I thought I would call the emergency gynae dept where I have been seen for my previous bleeding and scans this pregnancy. They were excellent before, so I thought they would be a good place to call for advice on where to go. I spoke to a nurse who brought my notes up, asked me a lot of questions about the bleeding and the pain, and told me (as Heather did - same words almost) that she was very sorry, but it really did not sound good. She hoped everything would be okay, but it didn't seem too likely, and she was sorry. She said that unless I was passing large clots or feeling unwell (leading to shock), I could wait it out at home tonight, but that I should go in to A&E if I started bleeding much heavier, passing large clots, or feeling unwell and showing signs of shock. She booked me a scan appointment at 9am tomorrow, which I am really relieved about. I was still talking to her when Nicola arrived, and Arthur let her in (Heather made me check that he knew how to open the front door in case I went into shock and couldn't, so he was ready, bless him!). The boys all played happily together, and Nicola got me a hot water bottle and folded all my laundry!! :) I was just glad to have company, though I didn't feel up to much. I took painkillers and just sat on the sofa as much as I could. I went to the loo again and was still bleeding the same, changed my pad, and went back down. The pain was really concerning me, it was so labour like. Not contractions or waves at all, just a constant searing sharp pain low in front, and in that same sort of "rectal" area. I remember that from early (??) labour with most of my babies. I didn't have the courage to get my Doppler and check. I just wanted to wait for Neil to get home. I was anxious about coming over faint or something, and at one point I was thinking, "Uh-oh, I feel sort of nauseous! Maybe I'm losing too much blood?!" before I realised that it was just morning sickness! ;) Good sign!
My morning sickness is definitely easing, though still there. More manageable again just in the last few days. I hope that's not a bad sign.... I think I would be properly worried if it was going completely, but I do still feel very sick at times. My peak time arrived while Nicola was here, and I really only had mild-moderate nausea which I knocked on the head with a few chunks of fresh coconut from the fridge - unusual... I have noticed in past pregnancies sometimes that if I have company, like someone over, or going out with friends (never do this any more!), my morning sickness would usually be MUCH less noticeable. So maybe it was just because Nicola and the boys were here?
Neil got home, and Nicola and her boys left, and soon I was feeling pretty sick. I wanted to phone Heather back to update her, and also to check the bleeding, which I wondered might be easing up a bit, and to pluck up courage to get the Doppler out. Neil sent me off to do that, and I went upstairs. I went to the loo and discovered that the blood was no longer running into the toilet, just constant dripping, which was much better! Now and then it sped up a bit, especially when the sharp pain intensified, but I felt better about the bleeding easing a little. Then I lay on the bed and felt my tummy - I felt a little hard ball like the size of a small tennis ball, above my pubic bone. Really hard, so I knew my uterus was WELL contracted. I wanted to check because I remembered being in the hospital when I was bleeding heavily with Nathan, and feeling my tummy and being dismayed to find that my womb was like a rock, never easing up, just contracted down hard all the time. I thought that was IT for that pregnancy, but still everything was okay! So I checked my tummy because I wanted to compare it to Nathan's pregnancy, and it was the same. I don't like my uterus contracted down like that with bleeding, and no release! But I wondered if it was my body's way of protecting me from losing too much blood? It's like putting pressure on a wound. I'm not sure it's good for the baby inside though... good for blood loss prevention - I would probably have been bleeding much heavier if my womb wasn't contracted down hard like that - but I hope my little one is okay with it...
Then I got my Doppler out, and it took me maybe a minute to find the heart beat, and I don't think I inhaled at all during that time! Oh the relief to hear that sweet little chuffy sound clipping away! I counted it at 169, and felt reassured that at least my little one is okay in there right now. I phoned Heather right after, to tell her about the bleeding slowing a bit, and what the hospital said, and Nicola's help, and the scan tomorrow. She has been worrying and praying all afternoon! I have had SO MUCH prayer support and just loveliness online, as I posted about it within 15 minutes of it starting, on a prayer group, and on Facebook. I felt so much better knowing I had people praying for me and my sweet little one while I waited to see what would happen. :)
We had pizza for dinner - Neil decided to just order some in, and I ate half a pizza - my usual non-morning sick serving... :/ I felt sick when it arrived, but hungry, and just started eating. I didn't have to slow my pace, or deal with nausea particularly, and I ate more than I thought I could. I have still felt queasy this evening, but it's only moderate. After dinner (I'm afraid you get all the details here!), I needed to go for a BM and was SO anxious with bleeding so much, but I was worried that needing to go was causing me more pain (or even maybe the source of some of it??), so I went. About half an hour after that, the sharpness eased right off, and I just felt uncomfortable, heavy, and just like I wanted to move delicately if I stood, sat or walked. I have shuffled about slowly all evening, lol! It just feels like I need to because I'm so uncomfy in the pelvic region - back, front and underneath. No longer sharp pain or actual cramping though. Just heavy achy mild crampy discomfort. I am still bleeding, and it is still red, but it isn't dripping into the toilet much any more, so I am comforted by that.
I have a serious thing for strawberries tonight! And it was green beans last week. (that was random)
So I will update tomorrow. My scan is 9am, and hopefully the little one will still be doing fine, and they will be able to see the source of the bleeding and it will be non-risky and therefore reassuring. I hope! Neil is going to work from home tomorrow so I can go to the scan. I just hope I have an easier day with the bleeding and pain, and it fades right off (and doesn't happen again!!!).